Why Are Those [ Expletive ] Birds Chirping at 3 in the Morning?
Welcome once again to the first edition of “Ask Ms. Nature Person,” a column written in a style entirely ripped off from Dave Barry’s “Ask Mr. Language Person” series.
This week’s question comes from alert reader John Russell of Aurora, who asks the following:
Q: I forgot who your nature column person is, but could you ask her why there are [ expletive ] birds chirping right outside our bedroom window at 3:30 or 4 in the morning? It’s pitch black out, and I can’t even see the birds, but I sure can hear them. Why the [expletive ] are they making such a racket at that hour?
A: I personally have no idea, but the same [ expletive ] birds must be migrating to my house on the east side of sleepy, enchanting Geneva, IL, in order to make the same [expletive ] ruckus.
So I asked Pam Otto, the awesome manager of nature programs and interpretive services at the Hickory Knolls Discovery Center, a facility of the St. Charles Park District, where she can be reached at 630-513-4346 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Here’s Pam’s alert answer, which we’ll highlight by putting in boldface and italics:
It’s a function of the breeding cycle. Birds declare and defend their territories with songs.
Early to us is business as usual for them, especially the robins. They usually produce two clutches of eggs each year, so your friend might want to get some ear plugs if he doesn’t like the sound. Which, for the record, I prefer over the late night/early morning jets coming and going from DuPage.
So, there you have it. Expletives, mating, territorial conflicts and high drama, all in one column.
If you have any further questions of a natural variety, please email email@example.com, and I’ll see if Pam is kind enough to answer.